What was your first trans experience like?

Trans experience? Look, I get that you’re probably fishing for sexy stories so you can have a sneaky little wank about this later, but let’s look at the honest truth of my first “Trans Experience”.

It started as a gnawing feeling in my gut that wouldn’t go away, a pervasive sense of dread and free-floating anxiety, like a panic attack might at any minute erupt. Then…

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But I did it anyway and fuck the haters.

then it continued like that for well over a week. Looking at my body in the shower and feeling like something wasn’t right. Looking at my face in the mirror and feeling not the slightest connection to the stranger looking back at me.

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And through it all, that feeling of nerve-jangling dread. That feeling of knowing that something wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what. The constant adrenaline wore at me, stopped me from sleeping more than a few hours at a time. I started to feel like another depressive episode might be in the works. I stayed up late, surfing the internet. Somewhere in the second week I knew that something had to give, that I couldn’t go on like this. I was so far in denial and depersonalization at that point that half of my brain was just on autopilot, but I clicked through to the gender dysphoria bible and read their excellent and nuanced description of gender dysphoria, and realized that I’d been experiencing that for almost my entire life to one degree or another, but I’d been too emotionally numb to figure it out, or to listen to my own feelings.

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Learning what I was dealing with was the first step towards my first experience of knowing that I was transgender. It was freeing, sure, but it also scared the holy crap out of me because I knew once I stepped out of that closet, I would be stepping into a wider world where a whole subset of humanity thinks I’m the worst piece of shit in the world, just for existing. And a bunch of other pricks would just see me as a nameless fetish object for their gratification.